Where Do I Begin
by Risma
Summary: COMPLETED! WARNING: SLASH! [Chp5 VERY INTIMATE] What was going through Remus' head during that final year with his best friend? Read and find out.
1. Prologue

_This is dedicated to all those readers who cried at the ending of the fifth book._ _This is a song fic based on a revised version of _"Where Do I Begin?" _by Andy Williams. It is also known as the Theme Song from the movie _"Love Story"_. Though he's gone, he's never far away._

**Disclaimer: **J.K. Rowling owns all to do with Harry Potter, his friends, family and enemies. This story is for fun, not profit.

**Where Do I Begin?**

**Prologue**

(O)

It had been a long twelve years for him. Exiled from his home by the pressure of Anti-werewolf organizations, meant that he could never see his family again, at least those who were left of his kin. He was constantly looking for work but because of the restrictions upon half-breeds he was evicted from his little flat in Surrey and denied every chance of a job interview. Once he resigned as Defence Against the Dark Arts professor from Hogwarts two years ago, he had traveled around England trying to find out what the Death Eaters were conspiring and reporting back to the Order. But it was a lonely life. It was understandable; the wizarding community could not be sure about the existence of the Dark Lord with the conflicting reports in the Daily Prophet. The possibility that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named could be reinforcing his army with creature of dark disposition meant that even the innocent half breed could be a threat. After all, werewolves can not control their own mind once transformation has occurred and mortality is too high a risk for the public.

Then that summer, Dumbledore had sent him an owl asking him to return to Number 12, Grimmauld Place to bring his latest report to the Order. At first he was confused at the letter. That was the Black's house. He had only ever been there once and after Mrs Black had learned about his lycanthropic inclinations, he was never allowed to set foot in there again. The Blacks were of wizarding nobility, pure-bloods as some called them, which meant association with half-breeds was taboo on family honour. The Blacks never had any problems with James and Peter, as fortune would have it, they were from pure-blood wizarding families even though they were rather irresponsible house guests.

He remembered the night as clear as if he was sitting right in the memory watching it play before him like a pantomime. He sat quietly at dinner in the dimly lit dining hall, timidly eating under the powerful gaze of Mr Black. There was something unnerving about the way his eye twitched at every scrape of a knife across their china plates. The entire family watched his every move though they had no cause to be alarmed, as they were at the time unaware of his lycanthropy. He remembered sitting in Sirius' room watching his brother turn the key in the five locks on the inside of his door. It had something to do with keeping the house elf out of his room whilst they slept. They could not even sleep without the possibility of surveillance.

The next morning Remus was woken by Mrs Black screeching down the hallway and blasting open the bedroom door. Remus quickly searched for his wand to defend himself when Sirius jumped in her raging war path. Mrs Black, usually one for articulacy, was screaming and shrieking so loud that none of her spells were annunciated with precision and failed at every parry. Suddenly Sirius was sent flying across the room and Remus was blasted out the bedroom window. He did not have time to assess his concussion as his luggage soon fell from the sky above him. He recalled the maniacal glee on Mr Black's face as the stone gargoyles chased him off the grounds. This tight security could be the reason for the Order relocating their headquarters to Grimmauld Place.

That was right back in fifth year of Hogwarts and Sirius had vowed that if his friends were not allowed in his own home then he would find a new one. The next year he moved in with the Potters and only ever associated himself with the Blacks by name. However, Remus never asked how the Blacks found out about his lycanthropy. He could only guess that Sirius may have mentioned it out of spite. This relocation to his old residence would definitely not be sitting will on Sirius' nerves.

Sirius. The name brought a smile back on to his face. No matter how much of a mischievous little prat he was, Remus would let him get away with anything. He was not the best prefect Hogwarts had seen, due to his biased opinion when if came to his friends. No matter how many stern looks he gave James and Sirius; they always found a way to get into and out of trouble.

Especially Sirius.

(O)


	2. Chapter 1

After some revision of the prologue, now that I remember that Sirius was meant to lie low at Lupin's, this chapter is finally up. Read and enjoy – R

**Disclaimer: **J.K. Rowling owns all to do with Harry Potter, his friends, family and enemies. This story is for fun, not profit.

**Where Do I Begin?**

**Chapter One**

(O)

_Where do I begin;_

_To tell the story of how great a love can be?_

_The sweet love story that is older than the sea?_

_The simple truth about the love he brings to me?_

_Where do I start?_

(O)

He approached the dark street and stood before number eleven. He concentrated on the narrow handwriting on the scrap of parchment, when suddenly a house started to inflate between numbers thirteen and eleven. He crossed the abandoned gardens and kept an ear out for the loud thumping of rampaging gargoyles. Once on the porch, he lifted the silver serpent hanging from the black door and knocked. Metallic scratching and mumbles were heard on the other side of the peeling door and when it opened he found Molly Weasley grinning up at him. "Remus dear, come in. Come in. The others are in the kitchen. I'll scramble something up for you, dear. Oh, look at you. All skin and bones. That Umbridge woman is a down right menace if you ask me – but come in, love," she moved aside to let him hang up his cloak. Remus loved Molly Weasley with all of his heart. If he could but see his mother, he would surely introduce the two ladies and watch them talk about all the new fashionable robes and the worries of new age (muggle) medicine. He did miss his mother so. But exile was not sentenced upon her.

He walked down to the kitchen and was flooded by warmth and family which was quite in contrast to the gloomy basement itself. The younger Weasley children grinned at him with their mouth full, Hermione managed a small wave and even Professor McGonagall who was primly sitting on a stool sipping her tea, nodded discretely at his presence. He had heard that she had taken on the responsibilities of Headmistress whilst Dumbledore was preoccupied with the whereabouts of Lord Voldemort. Remus was always amazed at her ability to manage time around the most important things – as if she had control over time itself.

But Sirius nearly choked on his stew at the sight of him and rushed over to pull him into a hug. "Remus, old man! You're finally here!" he chuckled, grinning from ear to ear. Remus hugged him back and sighed at the familiar scent; lighter fluid and aftershave. "Look what the folks left me!"

Remus glanced around at the cupboards hanging off their hinges and scorch marks up the wall paper. "Yes the rotting furniture does give it charm," Remus smiled at the dangerously sinking kitchen roof and the looming cauldrons and pots above their heads. He would have to investigate that later.

"But come, sit. Molly made us Irish stew," he hopped over to the table and pulled out a two legged stool. Soon Remus had some nice warm stew and crusty bread placed in front of him and was contemplating whether to just skull it all there in one hit, or reservedly eat it like a gentle-wizard.

When he finished mopping up the remaining liquid with the bread he realized that the children had been sent upstairs to bed and the adults were settling into conversation about the reports in the Daily Prophet, when Dumbledore was going to show up and who was to take the next shift at Privet Drive. But his lack of concentration continued as he just sat there and smiled down the table at Sirius who quietly smiled back. It had been too long since they last saw each other. Over a year had past and with the both of them exiled from wizard society, they never had the opportunity to owl each other, let alone see each other, to reflect on the past two years and the lifetime before that.

But now as he sat and watched his friend, he noticed a few things. Sirius, one who always believed in appearances, had let his hair grow long and the three day growth on his face, though rather appealing, was unlike the younger man he once knew. Besides how could his smell of aftershave if he did not shave? But at least the haunted face he glimpsed at two years ago had receded. Remus had no doubt that his own appearance was nothing to brag about; the lack of food, sleepless nights and uncontrolled transformations had wracked his body for the past year. Now he was glad to be around people who trusted and loved him.

He yawned; "Excuse me. Molly is there somewhere I can sleep tonight?"

"Of course dear," the stout witch was up and flustering around him, removing his plate and bustling him upstairs. "We've cleared out a room for you to stay in while you're here."

The walls up the stairwell had bare rectangular marks, where sinister portraits of the Black family had once hung. He remembered the abuse they hissed at him as he was led to Sirius' room so many years ago and the screeches that followed Mrs Black's flight of rage. "It'll only be for tonight. I'll find myself a hotel in the morning," he shivered.

"Nonsense! You can stay here as long as you like," she opened a door at the far end of the corridor and exposed him to a familiar room. "I'm afraid there's no where to put your things-"

"Molly, it's perfect," he said. It was the same room he was thrown out of; Sirius' old room without the large double bed, the giant wooden desk or the enormous closet. Of course there was no doubt that his parents had removed anything in the house that represented their oldest son. Probably blew them to smithereens. The bare room consisted of a metal frame single bed, a rickety wooden chair and the scorch marks along the walls was proof enough of their contempt for half-breeds. Somehow he felt safe enough to sleep here. He turned to thank Mrs Weasley to find her sadly staring at the moldy floorboards. A picture of a mother's anguish at the thought that her son may be taken from her forever; he prayed his own mother was not in so much pain. Remus reached down and held her hand. "I heard about Percy. He's a smart lad. I'm sure he'll come to his senses." Molly smiled weakly and nodded as she padded her way out. He knew that Molly treasured her children above anything in this world, but he could not empathize with the straying of a child. If anything were to happen to Harry, he would not know what to do. And now with the rumor that Dementors were joining the Dark Lord, the idea that Harry could be vulnerable sent a pulsing rage through his veins. The werewolf would not let anything happen to its pack. "No sense worrying about it now," he sighed. He needed a good night's sleep to keep his senses alert during his watch tomorrow.

He was trying to put on muggle clothing before his watch shift. However, once the large shirt and pants were on and around the correct way, they began to shrink. Remus could see his bicep firming under the tiny sleeve, his collar began to constrict and he knew he had to pull them off if he did not want to be strangled to death. He reached for his wand and there was a knock at the door. "Old man?"

Remus shook himself awake and heard the light knocking "Come in," he yawned pulling himself up onto his pillow.

Sirius stood in the doorway and smiled at him. The room seemed far wider than before, as if time held the two apart physically and emotionally. Remus suddenly felt a need to have the dark man hold him as Grimmauld Place wrung his heart and stirred fear and hope. "It's been a while," Sirius whispered.

"It has," he chuckled. Instead maybe he should hold him. Who knew what torture he went through in Azkaban? And to be confined to the one place he was trying to run from and was obviously forbidden to stay by the redecorating, compliments of Mrs Black. "Where are you sleeping?"

"Not an hour in my own house and already you want to bugger me?" Sirius laughed at the colour rising to his friend's cheeks. He was only curious for curiosity's sake as he had taken his friend's old room. The thought of resuming their past relationship was not even an issue at the moment. "I've got a cosy little nest in my darling mother's room if you're interested?" he raised an eyebrow in invitation.

Remus frowned sternly at him. How could he joke about a thing like that? Then again he was talking to Sirius, the prat who could get away with anything. "Don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out," he growled, rolling over and going back to sleep. It seemed that no amount of isolation had really changed Sirius Black at all; at least not his hormones. Remus smiled as he fell into slumber. Maybe he would take him up on the offer some other time, once they had become friends again.

(O)


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **J.K. Rowling owns all to do with Harry Potter, his friends, family and enemies. This story is for fun, not profit.

**Where Do I Begin?**

**Chapter Two**

(O)

_With his first hello;_

_He gave meaning to this empty world of mine._

_There'd never be another love, another time._

_He came into my life and made the living fine_

_He fills my heart_

(O)

Remus walked into the house a few weeks later and crashed into the umbrella stand in surprise at the bellows of Molly Weasley from somewhere in the house. "YOU LEFT YOUR POST TO GO AFTER CAULDRONS – DO YOU KNOW HE WAS ATTACKED BY DEMENTORS – ARABELLA TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE – HE'S JUST A BOY!"

He halted in the hallway to listen to the din, vaguely aware that Sirius was trying to close the velvet curtains around he mother's screaming portrait. "Give me a hand here!" he shouted. Remus grabbed the other curtain and pulled it towards Sirius. The old woman had spotted him and her icy glare burned right through his soul, reducing him to his fifteen year old self.

"_Half-breed! Filth! Get it out of my house! I warned you Sirius! You're a disgrace! Fraternising with half-breeds! Get it out! GET IT OUT!_" the elderly woman screamed, point her bony finger at Remus. He was back in the memory of her icy glare freezing his soul before she swished her wand and the yellow spark sent him crashing through the second storey window. The glass rained down about him and sliced his skin as the dew soaked his pajamas.

"SHUT-UP YOU OLD BAG!" Sirius roared back holding the curtains closed against the shrieks.

The house suddenly fell quiet as Mundungus dashed for the front door; Molly hot on his coat tails, firing sparks from her wand. "Lousy , good-for-nothing . . ." Perhaps the threat of a mother's teenage child being susceptible to other's influences was the reason all these witches knew the spell for dismissing cretins from their homes. Or perhaps Molly was possessed by the previous lady of the house. He never did learn how to perform an exorcism which was a bit of a challenge as it involved something muggles called Holy Water of which he, unfortunately, was allergic.

Sirius quickly pushed Remus upstairs to the drawing room out of danger as Molly rounded on them, wand gripped tightly in her hand. He pulled out a piece of paper from his robes and handed it to him as he went to shut the door. Remus pulled out his wand; "_Lumos."_

_The advance guard will go and pick up Harry immediately._

Remus knew it was from Dumbledore, for he had just received the exact letter three minutes ago before he apparated to the front door. "What happened?" he asked.

"Harry was attacked by Dementors," Sirius growled as he paced back and forth across the room. "Mundungus left only for a few minutes when they attacked. I should've been there. I could have stopped them."

Remus shook his head and sighed. "Who are you kidding? You've got no wand. You'd be easily recognized and the Dementors are purposely hunting you down!"

"Exactly! If I gave myself up he wouldn't be in danger!" Sirius snapped back.

The day before his resignation, Dumbledore had visited him in the Infirmary wing. He explained to Remus what had happened the night of his transformation. When the old wizard mentioned that Sirius had been trapped at the lake by the Dementors, Remus felt as though he had been torn in twain. Had it not been for a certain young wizard, Sirius' would now be an empty shell of a man, devoid of soul and purpose. The very thought wrenched at his heart and the idea that he had not been there to help made everything more painful. Yet here was Sirius, willing to give his life over for Harry's safety. How could he selfishly give up his life and leave Remus alone in this world?

Remus glowered at him; "Don't say that. Don't you _ever_ say that." He sighed and sat down on the sofa. Perhaps self sacrifice is what parents do when their child is in danger, after all James and Lily had done so. But Remus could not bear the thought of losing another friend to the dark forces. Especially Sirius. "Besides we don't know who controls the Dementors these days. They could've come across Harry by coincidence." Then again, the rumors about the joining of Azkaban and Death Eater forces could not go unmentioned.

"Or Voldemort could have sent them," Sirius finished Remus' train of thought, as he sat beside him. They were not sure about anything these days, except that the Dark Lord had risen and he was hunting down a prophecy hidden in the depths of the Department of Mysteries. Where he was, what he was doing at present, how many followers he had recruited could only be assumed and that had been their undoing the first time. It had caused the deaths of many of their friends; two of their closest ones.

"So you're going to get Harry?" Sirius asked and he slid in next to Remus on the sofa.

"As soon and the others arrive. Moody will no doubt want to double check our Disillusion Charm and backtrack to Persia so not to be followed," Remus smiled. He watched Sirius eyes light up and knew the next question. "You have to stay here."

"But you'll be up at least a thousand feet in the air. At night. No one will be able to see me," he begged.

"Sirius, the answer is no. You can set a bed up for Harry and some linen in Ron's room while we're gone. We won't be long and then you can have him all to yourself," Remus patted him lightly on the shoulder. "You can't compromise Harry's only place for protection."

Sirius threw his head back on the dusty cushions; "If they've attacked, he's hardly protected." The forlorn puppy eyes gave way to resignation and it was then that Remus realized that Sirius had grown up into a responsible wizard, no matter what be his little quirks. "I miss James. He would've let me come," he mumbled.

"You know perfectly well he would not. You would now be on the floor cradling a broken jaw," Remus said. "Then Lily would hex your feet to the ground."

They both looked at each other and smiled. Lily was known for the best hexes, most of which she had trialed on James. "I should really teach Harry that one. They would've wanted me to," he whispered hoarsely through a stream of tears trickling down his face. Before Remus knew it Sirius had buried his face in Remus' lap and began to bawl. He had never seen him like this and it broke his heart. The strong supportive man was a quivering mess and Remus had nothing to give him but false reassurance.

"Oh Sirius," he whispered and gently rubbed the man's shoulders. "They know your taking great care of their son. They know you're an honest man, a kind hearted man."

Sirius began to calm down and quietly sobbed. "What if I stuff up? I'm his godfather and I can't even leave this house to protect him. I'm not the shining example of morality." he hiccupped.

"I'll help you. We'll all help you and Harry," he whispered brushing the long black hair with his fingers. "You'll never be alone again. I promise."

"You do?" Sirius whispered. He begged for reassurance like that of a child, but who knew what the year would bring. Within a month a battle could break out and Remus could be killed or controlled under the influence of transformation. He was not a soothsayer and did not have the inner eye.

"Shut-up, Padfoot," he said and Sirius curled up beside him, his head on Remus' lap and fell asleep as long fingers stroked his hair.

(O)


	4. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **J.K. Rowling owns all to do with Harry Potter, his friends, family and enemies. This story is for fun, not profit.

**Where Do I Begin?**

**Chapter Three**

(O)

_He fills my heart with very special things;_

_With angels' songs, with wild imaginings._

_He fills my soul with so much love-_

(O)

Remus had been busy that week taking turns to guard the Department of Mysteries, helping Bill Weasley work out where Emmeline Vance had last seen Lucius Malfoy and relaying information about Harry to Dumbledore. Of course, he had not been too busy to have noticed that following Harry's trial the only person not celebrating was Sirius. He had smiled politely whenever someone talked to him, but in the evenings Remus could hear him in the attic yelling and throwing things at Kreacher, the house elf.

Harry's last day of vacation had come and when Remus returned to Grimmauld Place that afternoon, Sirius was no where to be found. He walked into the sitting room and found Hermione reading. A diligent student, she spent most of her time indoors reading about everything and anything, a real thirst for knowledge, much like a younger wizard he once knew. However, that young wizard soon learned the harsh reality that what you believe to be ultimate truths in literature are not the facts of real life. He only hoped that Hermione would realize this much earlier than he did. "Good evening," he said.

"Evening Professor," she smiled over her book. "If you're looking for Sirius he's locked himself in his mother's room with Buckbeak."

"Uh – thank-you," he frowned, unable to shake the feeling that the girl may possess legilimencer tendencies. He did not need this incredibly intelligent witch reading his thoughts, it could result in the Order's plans becoming uncovered by the dark forces. After all it was well known that the Dark Lord was a legilimencer and Remus could not grasp the art of Occulmency. It could also bring up questions about other embarrassing thought he conjured on his lonely nights on guard duty.

He left Hermione to her studies, creeping upstairs to the master bed-room to avoid waking the miserable Mrs Black. He knocked on the peeling paint "Sirius?" There was no answer. He leant down to the key hole and peered inside, but could not see anything through the pitch black. Suddenly the sharp scent of lighter fluid he associated with his friend wafted from the room along with a hint of dead rats. There was no hiding from Remus' olfactory senses. "I know you're in there. Open this door."

"Bugger off!" came a gruff voice.

"You're acting very immature for a grown man," Remus said sternly. "You should be helping Harry pack like a responsible parent. Not locking yourself in your bedroom like a selfish prat."

"Bugger off!" yelled the voice.

"No! I'm going to sit out here and prattle on about the strange things you've done in your lifetime and if anyone should come along, that's your bad luck," he said and sat himself down against the door. He used to do this whenever Sirius had stubbornly locked himself in the boys' toilets at school. Remus would sit in the corridor and mention anything that came to mind about Sirius' immature behaviour to the students walking the halls. Of course this turned Remus' scholarly reputation into that of a lunatic, but it still gathered a crowd to hear about the misfortunes of Mr Black.

Now all he needed was one that had really perturbed Sirius. One scenario that would make his skin crawl at the hint of it. Remus' smile grew as the very one he nearly told everyone in seventh grade during the graduation speeches. "Let's start with your escapades to the girls' showers every Friday night with James' invisibility cloak. There was that time in fourth year, when you crept into the Slytherin showers to stare at Gretel Baddock. You didn't realise that the boys' showers needed repairs that night and were using the girls until they were fixed. You got stuck in that cubicle with –"

Suddenly, the door sprung open and Remus fell flat on his back, staring up at a livid convicted murderer. "You promised you would never tell _anyone_ about that!" he hissed. Remus somersaulted backwards into the dark room and sat there grinning at him. "Why don't you ever use a charm?" Sirius sighed, moving over near Buckbeak.

"My way is much more fun," Remus grinned stupidly. "What's bothering you?"

The dark man huddled close under the hippogriff's wing and glared back at Remus. "If by 'bothering' you mean that I'm going to be left inside this rank evil house for the rest of my life, hopeless and alone, while you and the others get to stop the man who could kill my godson," he said.

"You always were over dramatic," Remus sighed. "I'm going to be staying here during the year because someone needs to prevent you gallivanting about and getting yourself killed. And you're part of the Order so you'll always be updated with what's happening."

"That's not the same!" he snapped. "And you know it."

The silence hung in the air as the two friends glared at each other. No matter what Remus would say he knew that Sirius was going to sulk. A few times these holidays he had seen Harry complain and brood about the fact that no one would count on him, no one believed him, no one trusted him. And yet here in a room, just down the hallway, a forty-five year old man would be empathetic to Harry's deep blue funk.

"What's so funny?" Sirius grunted.

"Oh! Nothing," he stepped a little closer to the hippogriff but halted when it clenched its front claw. Perhaps it could smell the aftermath of last week's transformation. "Ron and Hermione received the prefect positions."

"Well give them my congratulations," huffed Sirius to Remus' frustration. Did he not realise that this would be the one thing that could really set Harry off? The Boy Who Lived, after all he has done, is unqualified for a prefect position?

There was a quiet knock at the door and Remus opened it to find Molly happier than she had been for days. "Did hear the good news? Yes? Well, I need you two to come down and help with the decorations for the party! I'm going to go and owl the others! This is wonderful!" she tottered down the hallway giving whoops of elation.

Remus glared into the dark. "You coming?" Sirius had turned his back to them and was cooing to Buckbeack, so he left him there to sulk.

The party was small but pleasant which is what Remus preferred. After cake Sirius had finally joined the party and came over to stand by him as the party got into the swing. Remus offered him his plate; "Want to finish it? I'm full on chocolate," he groaned.

"I'm sure," he said sarcastically, but took the apology as well as the plate. "Look I'm sorry. I've got responsibilities now and I should put Harry above the rest of stupid crap I worry about. Like my childish behaviour." Remus stared at him with an open jaw, surprise smacked all over his face. "Shut up, Moony."

"What about you Sirius?" Ginny asked. The two men finally realized they had a captive audience. Remus could not recall what they may have been discussing without them. Tonks mouthed the word _prefect_ above the kids' heads and gave them a smirk.

"No one would have made me prefect, I spent too much time in detention with James. Lupin was the good boy, he got the badge," Sirius dug him in the ribs with his elbow.

"I think Dumbledore might have hoped I would be able to exercise some control over my friends," Remus pointedly looked at Sirius. "I need scarcely say that I failed dismally."

Remus was worried that the conversation about James would dampen Harry's spirit. However, Harry's face seemed to lighten up to Remus' curiosity as he walked over to load his plate with food.

"Well I think it was great of Dumbledore to award you with prefect. Just because you're a werewolf doesn't mean that you don't deserve equal rights," Hermione said into her Butterbeer.

"Lupin got it because he deserved it," Sirius said sharply. "Not because Dumbledore wanted to show his support."

Remus knew where Sirius was going with this. Afterall, he was there all through Remus' self doubt about his authoritative position, occasionally hexing Severus for arguing otherwise. "Sirius, it's okay," he patted his arm. Sirius walked over to the food table to eat away his frustration.

"I'm not saying Dumbledore's into favoritism," Hermione back-peddled waving her hands about. "On the contrary, his display of house elf rights is much to be desired. I mean, it's the same kind of nonsense as werewolf segregation, isn't it? It all stems from this horrible thing wizards have of thinking they're superior to other creatures, when they could actually have a lot to learn from these other beings," Hermione said as she polished off her Butterbeer.

"Are you suggesting that Dumbledore's a bigot, Hermione?" Ginny asked, incredulous to her friend's opinion of their Headmaster.

"I'll leave you two to it," Remus nodded his way out of the conversation. These days the Weasleys were all a little edgy when it came to those who were not complete Dumbledore supporters. All thanks to the lack of support from their son Percival. Ginny's loyalty would countermand Hermione's opinion for a good hour Remus thought. Enough time for him to get something to eat and find a comfy seat.

His plan was foiled as Kingsley intercepted him and handed him a clean plate. "So, much happen on duty tonight?"

"No," Remus shoveled creamy potatoes onto his plate. "But the people at the Registry are becoming suspicious of my time spent there each fortnight. I really don't need to hand those forms in to the desk in triplicate."

He did not mean to complain. If Kingsley were to guard the Department of Mysteries then people would be suspicious of where he spent all those hours away from his desk. The only logical solution was for the unemployed to guard the door during the day.

"Perhaps you could sign up for some of that werewolf trial studies they're conducting to find an antidote. That'll give you an excuse," Kingsley mumbled through a chicken wing.

"Er, no thank-you. Not even if they paid me a million galleons." Remus had heard about the testing that went on down there. Only rumors of course, as all written proof was surely disintegrated to prevent filing by some out-of-the-loop clerk. Lots of werewolves were taken from Russia and believed to be shipped here for testing. So far none of them have been returned to their families; at least none of those he knew.

"It's a pity about Potter here," Kingsley pointed a bone at Harry, who was talking to the Weasley twins and Mundungus. Remus quickly looked for Molly to prevent a natural disaster waiting to happen. He found Molly picking up empty plates from around the room. "I don't understand why Dumbledore didn't make Potter prefect."

Remus recalled a conversation he had with Dumbledore in his seventh year. He was brought up to the office and left to sit there quietly as the old professor began to stir up a pensieve with his wand. _"You want to know why James is Headboy."_ Remus did not know what to say. He could not lie about it; there was no doubt that Dumbledore could read the minds of his students. But he also wanted to show his support for his friend. So he kept his mouth shut. _"My dear boy, I have every faith in your ability to lead Hogwarts in the tradition of those before you. But I also understand the great stress it takes to run a school such as this. With university entrance exams approaching I expect you to get into the finest tertiary education with full scholarship. You, Remus, will go far and be a great influence on those to whom you share your wisdom and kindness. Therefore I do not wish to press more upon you than is necessary."_ He would never forget those piercing blue eyes for as long as he would live.

"He'll have had his reasons," Remus replied.

Though Kingsley continued the conversation without him, Remus nodded in all the right places to pay more attention to what Alastor was showing young Harry. With every word a look of horror glanced behind the spectacles. Whatever Alastor's intentions, he was causing grief to the boy. Remus hunted around for Sirius and caught his eye from across the table. He jerked his head in Harry's direction and Sirius nodded. "What's that you've got there, Mad-Eye?" Sirius asked, turning Alastor's attention away from Harry's quiet retreat.

"Will you excuse me, Kingsley?" Remus asked and went to join Sirius. He peered over his shoulder at the moving photograph, a time that was so innocent. He stared down at all the faces that were now lost to the world: whether dead, crazed or haunted by the former implication on their friends.

"Well that was definitely a long time ago. Sirius still has his ripped jeans," Remus laughed at pointed at the waving young man.

"Oh will you give it a rest! It was the fashion then," growled Sirius.

Remus snickered; "I never could understand why you would ruin a perfectly good pair of muggle pants. Especially in the middle of winter."

"You and your damn patches." Suddenly there was a loud crack and Remus, with a twitch of his ear, could hear faint sobbing from the room above. "What's the matter, Moony?"

There was a yell. "The boggart's the matter," Alastor growled and they took off up the stairs.

There they found Harry standing in the doorway and lying dead on the floor in front of Molly. Remus heard a gasp from Sirius but he quickly assessed the situation and rushed to Molly's side. "_Riddikulus!_"

Harry's body turned into a silver orb and then vanished in a puff of smoke. Molly was sobbing in his arms and though he tried his best to comfort her, he could not shake the anguish that sight had stirred within him. It was written on everyone's face, despair haunting their eyes. There before all of them was the reality of what the future may bring; their worst nightmare. The death of The Boy Who Lived.

(O)


	5. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **J.K. Rowling owns all to do with Harry Potter, his friends, family and enemies. This story is for fun, not profit.

**Where Do I Begin?**

**Chapter Four**

(O)

_That anywhere I go I'm never lonely._

_With him around, who could be lonely?_

_I reach for his hand it's always there._

(O)

Lupin plonked himself down on the wooden stool. The kitchen was the quietest he had heard it all year and he did not revel in it. Usually he would welcome the peace and quiet as it meant no one firing weapons at him or throwing stones or shrieking in his presence. Large crowds were considered to be unfriendly company around Remus. But this silence was unwelcome. It was as if he was sitting in the eye of a storm, the stillness before the rage. The wolf's sixth sense was constantly alerting him to everything and the continual adrenaline rush was tiring him out.

However, he was not only physically exhausted. With this new information from Moody about Harry's ability to read minds and the need to comfort Sirius' woes every evening, the wolf in him was rapidly taking over his mental state. It did not help that the waxing phase of the moon would be complete next week.

A creak from the floor boards above woke him to his surroundings. His heightened sense of smell picked up a salty fried oil scent coming from the oven and a faint whisper of methanol coming down the hallway stairs. Remus pulled the left over bubble-and-squeak from the oven and silently gave Molly blessings as he ravenously dug into the warm egg.

"Hello old man," yawned Sirius as he stumbled his way down the stairs. Remus' growled at the intruder and pulled the plate closer under his protection. "It's all right. I've already eaten an Erumpent sufficiency tonight."

Remus blinked a couple of times and sighed. "I'm sorry. He's kicking in early this week," he went back to shoveling food into his mouth as fast as possible. "So what's keeping you up?"

"You," Sirius pulled up a seat beside him. "I was worried about you. We don't know when he'll attack again." A small whine escaped the masticated egg and Remus chalked up another reason for loathing his other self. But his embarrassment was quickly dismissed when Sirius placed a hand gently on his arm.

"I don't want to lose you either." Remus stared up at the hollow blue eyes. They both knew their lives were a small price to pay for victory over the brewing battle. Yet the cost was more than one can bear alone. He had never taken the time to think about how his life would be if Sirius no longer existed. Whilst his friend was in Azkaban, he had built himself a wall of hatred between their friendship. But when Peter was uncovered, the wall came crashing down and Remus was left there to figure out how he felt about his old friend. The one person he had inadvertently betrayed by not believing what his heart knew was right; that Sirius could never be a murderer.

Now here they were, friends again, at the edge of war. An overwhelming sense of déjà vu warped Grimmauld's kitchen to that of the Prewetts'. The old Order enjoying their fleeting moments between debriefings and the onslaught. James with Lily on his lap, so close to each other they almost became one being. Dumbledore performing his amazing spoon-stuck-to-nose trick with Molly and Minerva sighing at the howls of laughter for his audience. That wooden expanse of table, keeping him so far away from the dashing young man of his heart. Remus smiled at the recollection that it was not only dinner they were devouring at that particular table.

He peered back into Sirius' eyes and a small growl escaped as the wolf's possessiveness started to rise. It had been too long since he had touched that skin and his fingers began to itch. Sirius was his; and his alone.

Lupin shook the violent thoughts from his head. Now was not the time for reminiscing, but rather to be cheerful in the present. Sirius depended on his optimism and caring nature, leaving Remus to beat down the wolf's urges.

"It won't be a problem next week," Remus grinned. True to his nature, Remus' optimism lit up Sirius' eyes – yet this light was a little more alarming. "No. You're not rampaging with me. Your little stint at the station has alerted the Death Eaters to your animagi ability. I don't want to curse another human being to protect you."

Often he needed to remind Sirius that it was a curse and not some other reason to have some fun. The years in Azkaban had taken their toll as his small reprimand had turned Sirius' face to shame. Remus would not wish his curse on the Dark Lord himself. To be unable to control your primal rage to the point of scaring yourself to appease the blood-thirsty urges, was the worst torment of all.

"He wants to teach Occulamency to Harry," Sirius growled. Only one human being could cause Sirius to react like that: Severus Snape. Remus had heard about Harry's legimens in the situation of Arthur's rescue. It is a remarkable gift that must be controlled; surely Sirius could understand that.

"Severus is the best, next to Albus of course. It would benefit Harry to learn from a master," Remus replied, pushing away the smidgeons of cold egg. He knew about the hate-hate relationship Severus and Sirius had convened. Something to do with past relatives and family tradition – something purebloods would worry about and would be of little consequence to other wizards.

"But to leave Harry alone with that – thing? He could be filling the boy's head with all sorts of ludicrous pureblood crap. Turn him into some minion of the Dark Lord's."

"You don't really believe that do you?" Remus raised an eyebrow. "Besides, once Harry has control, perhaps he can use his gift to find out who told Voldemort the whereabouts of the weapon."

"They probably tortured it out of Bode before he – well," Sirius motioned a circle around his ear.

The mere thought of losing the control over your mind forever scared Remus to no end. No one could possibly understand what it was like to have no control over yourself, unless they were under one of the Unforgivable Curses. Once a month was enough for Remus to endure. For anyone to endure. He had lied to the young man in the hospital, being a werewolf was the most insufferable life.

"I saw Boderick the other day," Remus tried to change the subject. "The healer said he's settling his speech to one language; ancient Aztec. They're apparently bringing in an expert next month. We'll find out everything then."

Sirius groaned and held his head. "By then, we could all be wiped out!" It was true. They still did not know who was leaking information to the Death Eaters.

It did not take long for James and Lily to be killed, at least that was what he had heard. He had to move continents incase someone found a way to control him in his most vulnerable state. He would not make that mistake again. No matter the consequence, he was needed here.

Lupin wrapped an arm around Sirius and rubbed his cheek on his shoulder, in an attempt to absorb his pain. Though another one of his wolf traits he would prefer to banish, the nuzzling began to settle Sirius. "You do realise, that at the first hint of danger anywhere near my godson, I'll be there to kill all of those bastards," he whispered. "You won't be able to stop me, Remus."

He peered up at those haunted eyes. He did not have children and therefore could not fathom the range of emotions their guardians felt whilst trying to bring them up in this very screwed-up world. But the wolf inside told him one thing straight. No one was to hurt his pack. Remus nodded and squeezed him tight. "I know."

(O)

**CHAPTER FIVE: FOLLOW LINK BELOW**

**http/ **


	6. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **J.K. Rowling owns all to do with Harry Potter, his friends, family and enemies. This story is for fun, not profit.

**Where Do I Begin?**

**Chapter Five**

(O)

_How long does it last?_

_Can love be measured by the hours in a day?_

_I have no answers now but this much I can say;_

_I know I'll need him 'til the stars all burn away;_

_And he'll be there._

(O)

Spring had finally come to Grimmauld Place, though one could not get a hint of its presence from inside the gloomy walls. It was not the fact the interior was disheveled, but rather the ambiance created by its moody owner.

"WHERE ARE YOU, YOU FILTHY LITTLE INGRATE!"

Remus held his breath, expecting Mrs Black to start shrieking over the noise. Yet, it seemed that her portrait approved of his condescending attitude towards the house-elf. Something crashed upstairs and a loud squawk concerned him, but once the cussing started up again Remus sighed and continued to scratch on the parchment.

This was no ordinary parchment; this was his birthday present for a very moody so-and-so and it had taken him a whole week just to get this far. It was not that Dumbledore's sudden disappearance had disrupted his spare time, but rather that he never was any good at poetry. He had read all types of poems, from sonnets to muggle limericks, and yet every time he thought he was on the right track, he reread it and vanished the ink. His self-criticism was getting him no where.

He wanted it to portray how much he loved Sirius and how he wanted things to back to the way they were. That no matter what the new challenges, be they Death Eaters, Dementors or the occasional angry mob, he would not abandon him like last time. He would stand by Sirius and love him all the more.

Most people would think this was a waste of time and that he should just go out and say it. Or as the refined Nymphadora had put it earlier that week; "Just shag him already!" But they did not understand the intricacies there were surrounding the two men. There was the issue that Sirius might not be of sound mind and the rampaging upstairs was definitely proof of that. There was also the problem of trust and, thanks to Remus denial of friendship once Sirius was captured, their trust could not be built in such sparse time. Then there was the fact that the escaped convict might just be horny, which was a huge possibility considering the only action is Azkaban was kissing. That affection is presumed unpleasant.

All of this mattered to Remus in the long run and mostly on the lupine level. Werewolves mate for life and the betrayal he felt when Sirius was convicted had made the wolf melancholy and lonesome. So although Remus forgave Sirius and loved him now more than ever, the wolf would not heal so quickly and continued to resent their relationship.

But they would only need to be concerned with the wolf one week a month. Prior to changing, Remus would just have to sleep somewhere else and after the full moon, Sirius would have to remain in dog-state for the wolf to become comfortable around the other canine.

But it would be worth it, if he could only think of a word to rhyme with 'defenseless'.

"Sirius?"

He jumped and madly looked around, trying to cover his work. It was then he spied the be-speckled head floating in the fire place. "Harry!" Was he having trouble with the Floo powder? "What are you –" Suddenly, he remembered Harry was at school and not burning on the Black's hearth. "What's happened, if everything all right?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "I just wondered – I mean, I just fancied a – a chat with Sirius."

"I'll call him," Remus said, getting to his feet. Was there not a ban using the Floo Network at Hogwarts? Sirius said he had trouble with it last time. "He went upstairs to look for Kreacher, he seems to be hiding in the attic again…"

Remus rushed out of the kitchen wondering why he bothered to tell Harry about the whole Kreacher thing. There was no point worrying the boy over the fact that the only person who knows all about the Order's plans is now currently missing. Now Harry would probably go do something adolescently foolish to satisfy his curiosity. "Just like his father."

As he reached the second landing, Sirius suddenly barged past him. "We'll have to tell Dumbledore about this!"

Remus grabbed his elbow; "Harry's in the kitchen fireplace." Sirius' train of thought came to a screeching halt and looked incredibly confused. There was no time to explain, action was needed. "Get to the kitchen! Harry wants to talk with you."

Sirius sailed down the banister as Lupin apparated to the kitchen. Harry was still there, with a pained expression across his face. Something was definitely wrong and Remus realized his lungs were hurting.

"What is it?" Sirius said urgently as he swept his hair from his eyes and dropped to the ground. Remus knelt beside him; "Are you all right? Do you need help?"

"No," replied Harry. The pain in Remus' lungs vanished. He had not been breathing for the last few minutes. "It's nothing like that… I just wanted to talk… about my dad."

He felt Sirius slump beside him, his shoulder leaning against his own. Perhaps this absent breathing is common when parents are concerned for their young. Sirius turned to look at him with a cheeky smile and Remus knew now was the time for reminiscing.

"See, I was… well… I looked in Snape's-" Harry began.

"Professor Snape's," Remus reminded him despite the snort of debate.

"Professor Snape's pensieve and found a memory of when he was my age. You lot had just finished an exam for OWLS when Dad just decided to send Sn- Professor Snape into the air upside down. Everyone was taunting him and making his life miserable."

Well that definitely brought back a lot of memories. He somehow knew that the academic years with the Slytherin were partially why Severus despised the Marauders. The fact that he had to store the memories somewhere else, proved how much he was pained by those years. "I wouldn't like you to judge your father on what you saw there, Harry. He was only fifteen-"

"I'm fifteen!" said Harry heatedly.

"Look Harry," Sirius went on to explain the history of James and Severus and for that one moment he was showing his age. Maturity softened his voice as he told Harry he was not proud of his younger days. But poor Harry just seemed confused. Everyone had been putting the best images of his father in his head. Brave James. Loyal James. Loving James. And today the boy found out that it was not all true. His father was a normal human with normal feelings. This conversation was draining Sirius, as he kept looking at Remus for support and letting him add bits where they needed to go. Sirius had preferred to remember his best friend by all the noble things he had done. Those small memories could have been the only thing that helped him survive Azkaban. To dredge up the past like this, Harry was unknowingly opening unhealed wounds about all the things that Order could have done, if they had the chance.

"Look," Sirius said, "your father was the best friend I ever had and he was a good person. A lot of people are idiots at the age of fifteen. He grew out of it."

"Yeah, OK," said Harry heavily. "I just never thought I'd feel sorry for Snape."

One point tinkled the recesses of Remus brain. "No you mention it," he said, "how did Snape react when he found you'd seen all this?"

"He told me he'd never teach my Occulency again," said Harry indifferently, "like that's a big disappoint-"

"He WHAT?" shouted Sirius, causing Harry to inhale a mouthful of ashes.

"Are you serious, Harry?" Remus asked quickly. "He's stopped giving you lessons?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "But it's OK, I don't care, it's a bit of a relief to tell you the-"

"I'm coming up there to have a word with Snape!" said Sirius forcefully, and Remus quickly grabbed his coat and wrenched him back down again.

"If anyone's going to tell Snape it will be me!" he said firmly. He only knew that his way was probably less mortal than whatever Sirius was planning to do. "But Harry, first of all, you're to go back to Snape and tell him that on no account is he to stop giving you lessons – when Dumbledore hears –"

"I can't tell him that, he'd kill me!" said Harry, outraged. "You didn't see him when we got out of the Pensieve."

If only he would understand. "Harry, there is nothing so important as you learning Occlumency!" said Lupin sternly. "Do you understand me? Nothing!"

"OK, OK, "said Harry, and he seemed a little bit annoyed. "I'll… I'll try and say something to him… bit it won't be –"

He fell silent.

"Is that Kreacher coming downstairs?" Remus looked behind him but couldn't see anyone.

"No," said Sirius. "It must be someone on your end."

"I'd better go!" he said hastily and then Harry had gone.

"I hope he wasn't caught," Remus thought aloud. "That woman can be such a b–"

"Mooney!" Sirius exclaimed holding out a hand to help him up.

"-Bigot?" Ruems shrugged innocently. "I'll go and have a word with Severus. You should let Dumbledore know that you can't find Kreacher. Wherever he is, he's bound to be causing trouble."

(O)

Remus apparated to the mirror in the drawing room. He pulled back the dustsheet and stepped forward. Instead of his image reflecting in the surface, two green reptilian eyes floated in the dust haze. "Yesss?"

"Severus Snape," he stated clearly. "Message deemed urgent."

The green eyes turned to slits then disappeared. It took a moment but soon enough Severus was rushing into view. "Yes?"

Despite all they had been through, the mere presence of Severus still sent chills up Remus back. The potion master was not one for simple chit-chat. "Serverus, I've heard you're no longer teaching Harry Occlumency."

"That is correct," he said flatly.

"You do realize you could be jeopardizing the Order by doing this."

The potion master folded his arms and glared down his long nose. "Your point?"

Remus took a deep breath. It was time to put his foot down, and he was not used to giving commands. "Severus, put away your childhood traumas and teach Harry Occlumency." Severus did not stir. "Please?"

The dark man stiffened. "I'll have you know I put myself on the line teaching that insolent child. If he can read the Dark Lord's thoughts, then there is obviously the possibility that the Dark Lord can read his." Remus rolled his eyes at the condescending tone. "If I'm probing Harry's mind to teach him mind blocking techniques, there is a risk that the Dark Lord can detect that I am the Occlumens teacher and therefore a traitor. Thus my life is on the line. If that – that Potter - can think of nothing better to do than riffle through my personal possessions wasting my valuable time; then Albus can teach him," Severus straightened his shoulders and glared at him.

"So, I should take this up with Albus then?" Remus asked.

A flash of anger lit Severus' face but was quickly replaced with his cool exterior. "You are not one to be giving me orders, Lupin. Not when so few are on your side," with a swirl of his robes, he left the frame. The dungeons grew foggy and the green reptilian eyes floated back into view. "Yesss?"

Remus sighed and let the dust cover fall back into place. He always wondered what Albus could possibly be blackmailing Severus with to keep him on the Order's side. Perhaps some risqué photos, or a dark secret, or perhaps forcing an endless supply of muggle sweets down his throat. Remus chuckled to himself as he wandered back towards the kitchen.

(O)

"Well I think Severus is going to teach him again. But who knows-" He stopped dead on the stairs. There was Sirius with a particular piece of parchment in his hands, laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?"

Sirius looked up and coughed, trying to hide his smile, tears rolling down his poker face. "You wrote this?"

"Yes."

Sirius nodded and scratched his chin. "It's great. Really!" Then he just burst out barking. Infuriated Remus snatched the parchment away and reread it. He put his heart and soul into this. He even lifted a few passages from a muggle called William. How could Sirius find this so frivolous?

"Heathen." He read it in his head. Sure, Sirius was not exactly like a summer's day – but the rest of it was true. Perhaps Sirius just did not appreciate poetry. He does not seem the type to listen to the augurey choral festival. Perhaps Remus should have just taken Nymphadora's advice.

And for the third time that afternoon, Remus did something he did not usually do; he initiated flirtation.

"Trust you not to notice innuendo when it's dealt to you in spades," He took off his glasses and slowly rubbed the bridge of his nose, letting his hair fall into his eyes. He could see the glazed look plastered all over Sirius' face. It seemed he would have to be blunt. "We're alone for the first time in ages, in a kitchen no less," Sirius nodded slowly, like a dumbstruck student. "-and you're laughing at me instead of buggering me senseless!" There he said it, but wait! "Hey! That rhym-"

A chair clattered across the floor and before he could fathom who threw it, he felt coarse, harsh lips tugging on his own; large hands tangling in his hair. Oh, how he missed those talented lips. The flat hot tongue brushed against the crease of his lips and with a small gasp, it snaked its way into his mouth, curling with his own. He wrapped his arms around Sirius waist and pulled him tighter, pressing their chests together to breath in sync. To feel each other's heart beats. Slow and steady. Rising and falling. He had missed these moments. Fifteen long years was too long for him, for the wolf.

A low growl passed between them and the large hands swept down his arms to his arse, pulling them closer still. Remus' breath hitched as he felt a hard erection grinding against his own, his eyes flew open. Lightning raced through his entire body; every nerve tingling with electricity.

He could hear Sirius breathing in his scent, his hot breath below his ear. Remus let his head loll back as a tongue slithered down his neck and flicked across his exposed collarbone. It was the same moves from eons ago and different; experienced in some way. More carnal and desperate; which did not matter to the wolf. It just wanted its mate back, whole and completely.

But he was not his young self and the hot tongue now lapping at his clavicle was making him harder. He was not going to be able to keep control of the wolf for much longer. The other man hoisted Remus' thigh around a sharp hip and he responded growling and ground harder against stiff fabric, craving, needing… "…more."

The other thigh was wrapped around a thin hip, ankles locking together and a steady slowly rocking rhythm was keeping each man at bay. Sirius lowered him onto the table and a laugh escaped one of them; much like old times.

The wooden table bit into his shoulder blades, but Sirius was warm, so warm. Remus tried to focus on the wild blue eyes hovering above him, but his erection was straining against the troublesome fabric. He needed release; now.

With a shrug of his shoulders, Sirius lost his dark robes and leaned over him. One knee slowly nudged his legs apart, as he climbed onto the table. Sharp stubble grazed his neck and jaw as those talented lips sucked on his ear lobe. His hips bucked and a whimper escaped as a large hand set him down.

"You sure _he_ wants this?" the words flew through his mind as a wet tongue traced around the shell of his ear.

"Yes… Padfoot…" he groaned as his hips were forced down again by a large hand. Finally impatience got the better of him and he grabbed Sirius by the shirt collar and ripped the old cotton, buttons pinging on the floor. He wrapped his arms around the broad chest and pressed it down against his own. Kissing and writhing beneath the powerful God that had left him weak. Grinding his hips in a slow circular motion against the erection. Protesting against his own prickly robes as they scratched his nipples. He wanted Sirius warmth, his skin, his soul. He wanted his mate back. "Off!" he snarled and pushed Sirius away.

Sirius, who to this point was drunk with arousal, snapped out of his reverie. "Do you want to stop? I know that it has been a while – unless you've – well – I wouldn't be surprised because you are one very sexy beast - "

In a second, Remus' robes had landed on the stove and the frustrated werewolf rounded on his prey. There was no holding him back. He could smell his mate's need and release was all that mattered now; "You're mine."

Slowly he sucked the weathered skin above him. Sirius hissed and hung his head when Remus found a brown nipple. He rolled it between his teeth, licking it to a rigid nub as low growls rippled through Sirius' ribcage. He licked his way across the flat chest to the other nipple and repeated his ministrations whilst his hands found the cotton binding of Sirius' pants. He arched forward to rake his nails across those boney buttocks and slip the trousers off.

"Gods!" Sirius yelped and precome dripped onto Remus' belly. The wild blue eyes were back staring into his with rage. "Oh you're gonna pay, Mooney."

Remus lay languid, resting on his forearms. He felt unabashed and found it amusing watching Sirus try to restrain himself. This sense of power was a turn on. He lifted his hips and grazed his trousers again the quivering erection. "…mmm…make good with that threat Black."

Sirius sank back on his knees and waved a rather familiar stick infront of Remus' smug expression. "Well what do we have here?" he grinned. He swished the wand and with a tug and the sound of ripped cloth, Remus' pants landed on the kitchen stairs. "You're gonna pay," he growled as those wild eyes darted all over Remus naked body, as if deciding where to go first.

"You owe me a pair of pants," Remus pouted. He recognized his wand in his lover's hand. "And we're not using my wand for any kinky fetishes you may have developed."

"Fine. Maybe next time," Sirius shrugged and set down the wand. "But you can have my ripped jeans if you like?" Remus was about to protest but lost his word Sirius leaned over and began to kiss his left knee. "You should show off these legs."

"I…" All wit was gone as that marvelous hot tongue began to trail its way up his inner thigh. This was new but _very _pleasant and Remus gripped the edges of the table to restrain himself. "…y-yes…"

Sirius stopped and replaced his tongue with what felt like his prickly cheek. "Remus?" His hot breath sweeping past Remus' very flushed erection, curling around its golden hair. All the wolf could manage was a whimper. He wanted those lips, that tongue, surrounding, suckling, biting. His hips jerked and he whimpered again; "Please…"

"I forgive you, Remus," the stubble grazed against his skin and he bucked at its pain. His leg was impossibly cold and he looked down his body at the dark man. "I trust you." The dark head dipped and warm lips found the graze. He could feel the slow kisses to the crease of his thigh and spasmed when that hot tongue was back. It plunged into the crease and slowly dragged itself along his hip bone.

"Oh," Remus murmured, his hips jerking in a quick hard thrust. The trail became cold. Sirius had stopped again. "… don't stop…. Padfoot please…"

He felt the wet tongue slither across from the crease, hooking under the curve of his testicles. A white flash spread across his vision and the whole world stopped. His heart was aching and his head was thrumming. His whole body clenched and lifted off the table, large palms sliding up down his arse to lift him higher. And that hot, wet, tongue slithering lapping over and over-

"Holy shit!" Remus' eyes snapped down to the dark man between his legs, who had turned his head to the stairs. There was Hestia with one hand over her eyes, the other waving around trying to find the railing again. "Sorry… sorry…" she mumbled.

All previous sexual tension suddenly disappeared. His sense to fight or flee was pounding in his skull. He quickly pulled himself away from Sirius and rolled off the table, hunting around for his clothes.

To Remus' horror, Sirius started to chuckle as Hestia managed to stumble blindly up the stairs. Once she was gone, he sat calmly on the kitchen table and grinned at the blustered wizard. "That was great, Mooney! What a birthday!"

Remus quickly dressed and then plonked himself on the floor. He would never be able to look the Order members in the eye for as long as he lived; which hopefully wasn't that long. He could see the mirth in Dumbledore's eyes, the winks from Nymphadora and the no doubt vivid discussion about safe sex from Alastor.

One thing was for sure; he was never writing a poem again.

(O)


	7. Chapter 6

This is the last chapter and I have now had the sixth book un opened sitting on my desk for three days and I need to read it! If you're looking for the 5th Chapter following the link at the bottom of the 4th Chapter; there were issues with the ratings. I know this one is a little rushed but please read and enjoy. – R

**Disclaimer: **J.K. Rowling owns all to do with Harry Potter, his friends, family and enemies. This story is for fun, not profit.

**Where Do I Begin?**

**Chapter Six**

(O)

_How long does it last?_

_Can love be measured by the hours in a day?_

_I have no answers now but this much I can say;_

_I know I'll need him 'til the stars all burn away;_

_And he'll be there._

(O)

It happened in a moment. A quick blink of his eyes. A small hitch of his breath. Two little words: "…he's gone."

Then the world paused before him. Bellatrix' eyes lit up with glorious victory. Harry stopped struggling in his arms. The curtain fell still. His brain felt numb.

Suddenly Kingsley jumped to his side and turned on Bellatrix, blasting her with every spell he knew. Remus went into autopilot and his first priority was to get Harry to safety. He dragged him to where Dumbledore stood over Malfoy; to receive new orders. Harry had stopped struggling and fell limp in his arms. There was no time to heal wounds, everyone must get to safe ground.

Dumbledore flicked his blue eyes to Longbottom sprawled on the stairs, he feet madly trying to escape him. Remus curtly nodded and turned to the boy. "_Finite._" The boy's feet fell still.

Yet another moment he would never forget. The small boy rested against the stairs, dried blood trailing from his nose, battered and bruised all over. This was something he had never witnessed before; a child with battle wounds. Young Neville Longbottom, once petrified of his Potions Master had fought against the powers of evil, when he should be wrapped up in his bed, warm and asleep. His bravado reminded him of another youngster a long time ago.

He shook his head to rid his angst. Time to grieve would be later; he had responsibilities now. "Let's – Let's find the others. Where are they all, Neville?"

Just as the boy began to explain the condition of the other students and loud bang alerted everyone. Bellatrix made a dash for the entrance and Harry ripped away from Remus' slackened grip. He knew what the boy was going to do; the same thing he would have wanted to, but there was a difference. Remus was an experienced wizard and little Harry was over-emotional. "Harry – no!"

Dumbledore laid a hand on Remus' arm and with a flick of his wand the remaining Death Eaters slammed together and fell to the floor a bundle of bodies. With another flick the Headmaster had disappeared leaving Remus and Neville were alone in the room.

The dust began to settle and he could finally see the destruction that had happened. There was no sound from the pile of black robes and broken masks, so Remus assumed they were unconscious. Not that he would be willing to verify that assumption. The craters in the floor still smoked and the marble columns were chipped and splintered. A soft murmuring broke the silence as across the room the veil began to ripple. Voices calling to him, soft and sweet like beckoning sirens. He closed his eyes and tried to depict the one he wanted to hear; the one gruff and barking. His ears twitched to heighten his hearing but he could not hear him.

"Professor Lubin," he felt a small tug on his robes. "Uh, sir?"

The smell of aftershave tickled his nose; "Yes?"

"Do you wand me do check on de udders?" a small voiced asked. "If you're nod ub do id -"

Remus turned to the boy. His eyes were prickly and his nose itched, but these were no excuse not to get the job done. He reached into his robes and pulled out a small mirror; "Show me Elphias Doge."

The mirror remained dark but a small wheezy voice emanated from the glass. "Remus? Do you realise how late it is?"

"Elphias. We're at the Department with casualties. We need Healers now!" he snapped.

"Whoa, wait!" his face appeared in the mirror, blinking away sleep. "Where's Harry? Is he still alive?"

"I'm not sure. Dumbledore is with him. Contact Smethwyck and get him to bring the brigade down to the Death Chamber," the older wizard blinked at him again. "Now, El!" he yelled.

"Rightyo!" the other wizard wheezed and Remus shoved the mirror back into his pocket. It would probably be ten minutes for Smethwyck to organize everyone with a portkey to the chambers. He had to bring everyone to the room.

"Neville, can you walk?" he asked, helping the boy to his feet.

Neville took and couple of steps, bouncing a bit on each foot; "Yeah?"

"I'll need you to bring the other students to this room. Just leave them close to the doors. The healers should be here soon," Neville nodded. "Once you've done that, I want you to prioritize them. Serious injuries, unconscious ones are to be healed first. Do you understand?" Neville nodded again, frowning with determination. "Off you go." Neville scrambled up the stairs and out the front entrance.

Remus rushed behind the dais and found Kingsley clutching his arm, his wand fallen by his side. "Are you bleeding anywhere?" he asked pulling out a chocolate bar.

Kingsley opened his eyes and they rolled to where Remus crouched beside him. "No, it just my arm." He rolled it over for Remus to examine it. "I think she smashed it into little pieces," he hissed.

Remus broke off a bit of chocolate. "Here," Kingsley popped it in his mouth. "Suck on it slowly. The Healers may be a while," he said and stood up. "Are you going to be okay?" Kinsley nodded. "I'll go and check on the others."

The other two were no longer bleeding from their injuries but he knew he should not move them. Healer Aid had only taught him so much. He spotted Moody's eye on the floor. It had rolled into a small crater, away from the battle. Remus pulled out a handkerchief and scooped the eyeball up, dusting what he could from its dilated pupil.

Suddenly a loud pop echoed through the room and a blonde witch in healer robes appeared before him. "Lupin?"

"Yes. There's some students in the next room various injuries, a broken arm behind the dais, these two with head wounds and –" he stopped himself. "I believe that's it."

The blonde witch scribbled madly on her parchment while other Healers popped into the chamber. "Are you injured?" she asked.

He took a second to check himself and found nothing but a few cuts and bruises. "No, I'm alright."

The witch nodded and turned over the parchment. "If you could leave your name and contact details for record purposes, then you can be on your way," she handed over the parchment.

The first question was easy; it was the others that startled him. He did not have any contact details; now that he no longer lived at his old flat, nor could he put down the address of the Order's Headquarters. An idea sparked in his head and he wrote: _c/o Albus Dumbledore, Hogwarts_.

"Alright Mr Lupin, you're free to go. The patients will be sent to St Mungo's. Should you have any queries contact the welcome witch," she said with a smile and handed him a small card. "Thank-you for your help."

He had nowhere else to go. The door swung on its hinges, left unlocked earlier that evening. He walked into the dark hallway and heard faint sobbing. He headed for the kitchen to comfort whoever was in there, but as he approached he stopped. The crying came from behind him now. He took a few steps back to find the large portrait rocking on its hook. He pulled back the curtain and found the elderly woman, her back turned to him, sniffing and quietly sobbing.

"My poor boys… my poor, poor boys…"

Remus reached out and touched her frame, his mind rushing to find something comforting to say, but his throat had seized up. A cold blue eye glared at him over her shoulder and her curtains drew shut leaving him alone in the hallway.

The house remained still. A few cobwebs fluttered in a slight draft, the odd rodent scurried into a corner and Remus stood there. He could not breathe. The lump in his throat was tightening his esophagus. He coughed to fight it down, fell to knees to try and breathe but still he struggled. Finally it all flowed over him. He burst into tears and the lump began to dissolve.

His mind brought up images of their school days, with the four of them laughing in the halls on the way to class. The day of James and Lily's wedding. New Years Eve so many years ago when Sirius first kissed him. His initiation to the Order when the Prewetts held a huge feast at there home. Sirius trial before the Wizengamot. The day of Harry's birth. The night he found Sirius in the Shrieking Shack under Harry's wand. The week Sirius hid at his flat, while they waited in silence for Dumbledore's orders. That night a few weeks ago when he wrote that Gods-awful poem. Last evening, when Sirius signed Harry's adoption papers.

Tonight when Sirius' blue eyes locked on his, as he fell back from the dais.

Exiled again, no friends or family to comfort him. No Sirius to love him. No one. The wolf could not handle the burning rage and loneliness filled his lungs, rushing through to his brain.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!" he screamed to the heavens. And as his body left to pieces on the dusty floor he wondered where he would begin.


End file.
